Lead of Love

"Looking back at the road so far the journey's left its share of scars. Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight. Looking back it is clear to me that a man is more than the sum of his deeds and how you've made good of this mess I've made is a profound mystery. Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love. Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom) how failures bring humility (than be) brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool) helps me see my need for thee. Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love." -Caedmon's Call

Most people that know me know that Caedmon's Call is one of my all time favorite bands. Not only do I enjoy them musically, but so often their lyrics pierce right to the heart of things I'm struggling with. I've always loved this song, but after the last year (and really the last 7 years) I have a new appreciation for the words here. My failures have brought humility, something I was seriously lacking in my previous life. No, I didn't ask for or want a husband that told me he was embarrassed to be with "the fat ugly girl" and wouldn't let me meet his friends or let me walk on the side of the street where one of them worked with him, or physically abused my cat, or broke countless things of mine, or told me if I stayed with him he was going to end up killing me, but that's what happened when I put a boy before my relationship with God. I knew that his relationship with God was shaky at best. I saw myself take small steps away from God's loving relationship because I believed the lie that a relationship with a man will fulfill me. It didn't. I was left emotionally damaged, even more so than before. It took me so long to leave that relationship because that's where I got my self-worth. From someone that forced me into anorexia before our wedding so he could be proud of me. I thought, yes, that'll fix everything! I'll just lose a little weight and bam! happily ever after. I know, it's a little sad at how surprised I was when that wasn't enough. Turns out, I'm not so ugly that a guy should be ashamed of me! Who knew?! It was his problem. Now I have learned to rely on God for my self-worth. I see how my lack of relying on Him led me down a path that left me broken beyond what I can describe. For me, I had to reach such a depth of despair to find a closer and truer relationship with God. I look back and I see the lead of love. I don't think that God gave me that situation to bring me closer to Him. I chose that path all on my own. But God used it as he can use anything in our lives, the good or the bad. I used to believe (and say) that everything happens for a reason. I don't anymore, but I believe that God can make reason out of everything that happens.

Ramblings From a Bad Day

Can I just say, today was awful! :( It seems like I fought with everybody today. Some of it got resolved but some of it didn't. Last year was really the worst of my entire life. I went through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. But I've learned a lot and I think I've come to the place where I wouldn't trade those experiences. Which is huge growth for me. I've always had a problem with regret and wishing that I could turn back time and change things. But I've changed. I know that I am a stronger, more confident, and closer to God than ever before.
So back to today, I learned that the best thing for me to do after running into a rough spot is to start singing praise songs. It really helped me to get my focus back in the right place. I just think about how much God has done for me, and how He has never handed me more than I can handle. And when I need Him to, He carries me. Today I needed Him to, and He did. Right away. I figured out that the reason sometimes it takes so long to feel my burden lighten is that it takes me so long to turn to God. It's funny, sometimes I give friends verses to encourage them and it turns out to encourage me. The one I had sent today ended up coming to my mind as I needed it, maybe more than this person did! One of the verses of the passage was "cast all your anxiety on Him for He cares for you." It's amazing how God uses the thing that we're trying to do for other people to help us. In fact, service always helps us. Whenever I am actively involved in a ministry or service it gets my focus off of myself and my problems and onto loving the person or people I'm serving. Suddenly it puts everything into perspective. I love how God's model for how to live our lives is actually the way that we best function. It's not a matter of Him taking away our problems when we serve or have our lives in line, it's the fact that we have the tools to handle whatever comes our way. Such as the ability to not blow things out of proportion when we are caring for others, or the grace to forgive people when we're truly focusing on how we've been forgiven so much. So even though today was pretty rough, I learned once again how to lean on God. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.
Sorry this post is a little rambling...that's what happens when I write stream of consciousness style. :)

Justice and Love

I realized as I was reading through my journal that I keep on my daily devotions that I hadn't written a blog on anything that I had read in Leviticus. So before I share what I'm currently learning as I read Numbers, I'll post this short blog about my overall impression of Leviticus. The book of Leviticus is mostly about the rules that God sets up for the new nation of Israel. A lot of these rules are things that we don't follow anymore, such as the laws for mildew in houses or what not to eat. It may be puzzling to think about the difference between how we perceive the New Testament God and the Old Testament God. Yes, we do have a different relationship with God after Christ came; the new covenant sets up the possibility for a closer and more personal relationship with God. But I think that sometimes we think of God as one or the other, the Old Testament God full of justice, or the New Testament God of love and mercy. I think that it's a mistake to separate these aspects of God and to choose which side we want Him to be. The way that I see it, the fact that God finds sin so disgusting and is so full of justice only furthers the scope of His love for us. After reading all that He had the Israelites do to be His nation I saw how truly far we are from hitting the mark. I know that we are no longer under the law in the same way, but the benefit I find in reading the law is remembering that side of God's character. It is His justice and law that makes His mercy and love for us so amazing. He saw how far we fall short and took the punishment on Himself so that He could be with us. "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." But then remember that it was our own actions that made it necessary for him to lay down his life for us, and he still willingly did. There is no greater love than God's for us. There is no greater justice and truth than God's. And those two traits increase the value of the other. Negating one diminishes the value of the other.

Happy New Year!

It's been a little while since I've written, the holidays were a bit insane! Our Jr High New Year's sleepover was a huge success. We had 10 kids show up when last year there were only 5. It was a ton of fun, a little hyperactive but fun! My sister Joey and I were pretty exhausted the next day though. We didn't have a chance to sleep in so we decided to have a fun but unproductive day. We went and had a nice lunch at Maggiano's and spent the remainder of the day at one of my favorite places in the world, The Tattered Cover.
I made a few resolutions this year. It's not something I usually do, but I've never been a very disciplined person and that's something I'd really like to change. Plus this new year actually feels like a new start to me. After the trials of 2009 I'm so happy to make a lot of changes and lead a new life that starts now. As most of you know, one of my goals is to run the Colorado Marathon in May. Obviously that's not a New Year's resolution because I've been running for a while now and it takes a long time to build up to running 26.2 miles. But it is a more recent change in my life and I'm excited to complete that goal come May! The rest of my resolutions are silly little personal things, just better day to day habits that I've needed to implement.
I've been working on my jewelry a lot and now have a goal of being in the gallery I work at by February. It's totally attainable I just have to keep at it and find time to be in my studio. My brother and parents got me some more metalsmithing tools for Christmas, so I really have pretty much everything I need now to be fully operational! I still need mom to find that enameling kiln of her's though...I also got a Nikon digital camera for Christmas so I don't have to wait for Dan to take pictures! :) (He's way better at it than I am, but let's face it he's busy and if there's one thing I passed on to my dear brother it's procrastination) So pretty soon I'll post pictures of my latest jewelry on here. I'm also working on a mural for a kid's bedroom from church. It'll be super sweet when I'm done.
As far as music goes, I've really been enjoying WPA lately. It's Sean Watkin's (from Nickel Creek, always a favorite) new band. I've also been listening to the Wailin' Jennys, an old favorite but they've just fit my mood so well lately. I've been reading in Numbers lately. I'll write another post soon in more detail of what I've been getting out of my daily devotions.

Learning Things About Myself

When I was a little girl I loved The Chronicles of Narnia. I mean LOVED. I secretly thought I could have a similar adventure. I figured it wasn't so out of the realm of possibility, after all with all that God has created in this vast universe, why wouldn't He create life somewhere else. And why wouldn't different rules apply that we would call "magic." As I grew up I slowly (and sadly) came to the realization that I wasn't going to be whisked away to another world to have an adventure. Yet the longing for such an experience never left. I've always had a wanderlust, which fit my childhood full of moving all over the country. Every now and then I have such a strong desire to pick up and move somewhere exotic or to a land with a rich history. I can picture me going all by myself to Scotland's University of St Andrew to get my master's in art history (concentrating on Bernini's sculptures). But I realized that I really do like having a home to come back to. I love being near my family and having a church home full of good friends. Sometimes I can be such a loner that I forget how important those relationships are to me. I like quiet evenings and nighttime walks alone to study the stars. I love reading and listening to music, or going to movies by myself. Being around people too much can exhaust me. I suppose part of that is because of my introspective and pensive nature. Also for the most part, I feel like the majority of people don't really know me. I'm good at hiding my true nature, I always seem to be such a social being, but I find it hard to talk to most people on a deeper level. So I wind up having mostly surface relationships with most and few that ever delve deeper than that. I guess I'm a lot like my dad in that way. But I've realized that I wouldn't have been able to make it through this summer's trials with out my amazing family and my new friends at church. I have such an amazing support system! And as much of a loner as I can be, I know that I long for someone that I can share my thoughts with on that deeper level. I think so often that prefer to be alone because I always feel lonely and at least when I'm actually alone I don't have to pretend.
Anyways, the point of all of that was that I've learned that I need both my alone time and my friends and family. I need both the adventure and the home. So my plan is that instead of moving to Europe, I'm going to plan a trip there for this fall. By myself for probably at least a month. Then I'll have my adventure but have a great home to come back to.
Another adventure coming up in my future is going to be opening my own business. Right now I'm working on making enough jewelry to have it carried at my work. (I already know the owners are interested) and then eventually I'll open my own store with jewelry, clothing, and paintings all of my own creation. I already have a name thanks to Hannah! It's going to be called The Parliament with an owl on the sign. It, and the name of this blog, are derived from the old English naming of groups of birds. Like an exaltation of larks, a watch of nightingales, a murder of crows, an ostentation of peacocks, or an unkindness of ravens. This combines both my love of birds, especially owls, and a reference to literature. Right now I just have to figure out the business side of selling my jewelry at work. I'm excited for Tuesday because I get to meet a girl that works at the Squash Blossom in Vail (I work at the Colorado Springs Squash Blossom) that sells her jewelry in our stores. I can't wait to pick her brain! :)

Pilot

After a lifetime of avid journaling the old fashioned way, I decided it was time to start blogging. Partly as a release of some of the junk that I've gone through this past year and partly to start interesting conversations with people I currently only have casual ones with. I'll also share my new art work, things I'm reading and great music I'm listening to.
Currently I'm going through the Bible from Genesis all the way through. I've read most of the Bible, but as my faith grows I have recognized the importance of every word that God has given to us, which is why I started with the toughest part for me to "get through," The Old Testament. I now see the need for me to understand the Bible as a whole recognizing patterns and trends as much as knowing single verses by heart. And the amazing thing is how much God has shown me even while reading what I thought would be boring; things that I didn't understand the importance of and thought were useless and outdated details. But really, how could anything be useless or boring when it is a direct communication from our Lord?! The God of all creation chose these things to write to everyone. For example: in Exodus when God gives Moses the directions for building the temple, the Ark of the Covenant, the priests' clothing, etc, God gives such exact instructions, except for certain times He says have someone who is skilled at (sewing or metalsmithing) make such and such designs or fashion this object. There are parts that He leaves up to the artist. I find that so interesting and encouraging that importance God gives the artist. When the Bible says that we are made in God's image, I truly believe that it means that we have tiny aspects of His character. God really is the ultimate artist, everything that we do is a copy or an interpretation of His amazing creation. Even work that claims to be completely non-objective comes from a person, and that person has a lifetime of knowledge and experiences, views and biases. And yet, even our mediocre attempts please God; He recognizes the need to be creative beings and I really feel like He honors our attempts.
Anytime I start to get healthier, physically and spiritually, I find myself longing for those healthier things more and more. As I read and study God's word, I long for it and to continue growing in closeness with Him. Lately I've completely cut out soda and for the most part I've only been drinking water. I started this for two reasons. First just to be healthy plain and simple. The second was a more recent passion of mine. I've been hearing a lot and reading some more about people all over the world that don't have access to clean drinking water. People die everyday from the inability to reach clean water. Or a large part of their day is consumed with the task of fetching clean water. Then I started thinking about how spoiled I am. I drink other things like soda and juice because it tastes better than water. It just made me really disgusted that something that people die because they can't get enough of it isn't good enough for me. So this Christmas my family has decided that we are all contributing to this cause, to help people gain this necessary nourishment, and I'd love anyone else that can feel for this cause to join in.