Lead of Love

"Looking back at the road so far the journey's left its share of scars. Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight. Looking back it is clear to me that a man is more than the sum of his deeds and how you've made good of this mess I've made is a profound mystery. Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love. Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom) how failures bring humility (than be) brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool) helps me see my need for thee. Looking back you know you had to bring me through all that I was so afraid of. Though I questioned the sky, now I see why I had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view. Looking back I see the lead of love." -Caedmon's Call

Most people that know me know that Caedmon's Call is one of my all time favorite bands. Not only do I enjoy them musically, but so often their lyrics pierce right to the heart of things I'm struggling with. I've always loved this song, but after the last year (and really the last 7 years) I have a new appreciation for the words here. My failures have brought humility, something I was seriously lacking in my previous life. No, I didn't ask for or want a husband that told me he was embarrassed to be with "the fat ugly girl" and wouldn't let me meet his friends or let me walk on the side of the street where one of them worked with him, or physically abused my cat, or broke countless things of mine, or told me if I stayed with him he was going to end up killing me, but that's what happened when I put a boy before my relationship with God. I knew that his relationship with God was shaky at best. I saw myself take small steps away from God's loving relationship because I believed the lie that a relationship with a man will fulfill me. It didn't. I was left emotionally damaged, even more so than before. It took me so long to leave that relationship because that's where I got my self-worth. From someone that forced me into anorexia before our wedding so he could be proud of me. I thought, yes, that'll fix everything! I'll just lose a little weight and bam! happily ever after. I know, it's a little sad at how surprised I was when that wasn't enough. Turns out, I'm not so ugly that a guy should be ashamed of me! Who knew?! It was his problem. Now I have learned to rely on God for my self-worth. I see how my lack of relying on Him led me down a path that left me broken beyond what I can describe. For me, I had to reach such a depth of despair to find a closer and truer relationship with God. I look back and I see the lead of love. I don't think that God gave me that situation to bring me closer to Him. I chose that path all on my own. But God used it as he can use anything in our lives, the good or the bad. I used to believe (and say) that everything happens for a reason. I don't anymore, but I believe that God can make reason out of everything that happens.